Tidy is a mountain you don't climb

Do not execute a full-fledged jig while Sandy is still in the room. Make sure to return the chocolate wrapper to its proper spot in the box when you're done rubbing it between your toes. Never lunge toward a woman's face if her left eye is squinted shut and her arms below the elbow are hanging akimbo. It's imperative to grab the nearest old person's belly and shake that beast for all it's worth in the event of an oncoming herd of horny kindergarteners. In no case is it appropriate to summon the Dark Lord with a demon totem that resembles Mary Lou Retton. Always insist on keeping your hands and feet uncovered when facing down a film-school asshole's mother in single combat. Refuse any offer of financial compensation that would lead to accepting a hickey on your left one. Push strongly for better representation in the local government for smegma, children who are stupid but love cupcakes, and Very Handsome Men. When all these edicts have been followed, return to me for your salvation.

Playing down the rashes and sores

Turn right, because if we go around that tree again, I'm going to drop trou[sers] and give these weasels a little something to look forward to. I forget if north is toward the shadow from the sun, or if it's left of the sun when it's at its highest point, which was a couple of hours ago, anyway. Surely we can make it back to the cabin before she regains enough of her composure to chew her way through the sack, karate-kick herself out into the open air, and seriously bruise the gathered faithful in both visible and rarely-visible areas. I've heard tell that chipmunks always seek the north side of the trees because it helps them to regain their orientation when they wake up the next morning, stinking of Tequiza and cheap ladies. I don't mind climbing a tree this high in order to get our bearings, but if you're going to keep looking up my shorts, you'd best be prepared to tuck some folding currency between the cheek and gum, if you see where I'm headed with this. Praise be, we've finally made it. Uncork the lube-tube and fire up that camera - By God we're going to get an A+ in this course or lose all hope of ever growing facial hair again in the attempt. Wagons roll!

With jellybeans, if you please

There's no substitute for a snazzy hat and freshly-shaved buttocks. There are forces that would like you to believe that you should say it with flowers, but if you're serious about making your point, there's really only ever been one option open to you. Zip open that hat box and foam up the buns, because the longer you wait, the longer it'll take for your friends and clergy to get the message. Once that's settled, you can continue your march across the map of Europe, or just across the bathroom rug! You're in the driver's seat this time, so conquer as much or as little as you like. With a clear finish-line staked out in your head, it's only a matter of pitter-pat until you press your chest against that tape and bring down showers of confetti, flowers and loose ass all around your face and shoulders. Shit yeah. If wild tigers are not a factor in this metaphor, there is no stopping you.