What you missed while Grandma pinched one

Later tonight, I'm gonna poke you with a stick. When I say "you", I really mean the Rights of Man. The stick isn't real, but it will hurt at least as much as a real one would, especially if it were made out of ultra-strong titanium spikes and also had holes drilled through it to reduce wind resistance. I learned the part about the helpful holes from watching TV and films that depicted college fraternity hazing rites that involved paddles and butts. Anyone else who saw these movies and then went on to join a fraternity, which would necessarily be run by other people who had watched these same movies, has a little explaining to do. Not to me, but to little parts of themselves. I could care less. The assaulted legion of man-boys' raw, bloodied ass-cheeks, however, deserve their day in court. Perhaps a legal scholar could enlighten me on how a class-action lawsuit would work in this context, wherein the buttocks are considered complainants in a struggle against the total Man.

Addendum: After a quick Google, it turns out that The Rights of Man v. The Rights of Ass-Cheeks (1974) is not merely a river in China. You guys are in so much deep shit.

Vanilla Sorbet? Whatever!

Normal people often misuse the word "factoid" to denote a fact, usually one they consider obscure or otherwise worthy of being made more cute by the addition of the suffix "-oid". In fact, a factoid is defined as a statement that has the appearance of fact, but is not likely to be true. Hence, the common usage of "factoid" runs counter to its definition, and all normal people who make this mistake are fucking dunces. You probably know a few people who do this on a regular basis. These people are the dead-weight in your life, and they require elimination. Misuse of a word is not the charge; but said misuse is positive evidence that this ugly, wretched sot belongs to a class of person known as "normal", and therein lies the litany of reasons to remove this person (or persons) from the rest of your week. If a person is known to be sub-normal (ie, retarded, incorrectly medicated, suffering from the gout, etc.,) they are to be forgiven this trespass and all others short of malevolent violence. We give chances away to those who need them, and all others can suck it up off my titty.

Gretel made Hansel

For a variety of reasons, serial killers are statistically more likely to be bed-wetters. I am hopeful that, when this information is passed around through the gossip networks and idle-chat opportunities that fill your meaningless life, it will cause the end of at least one relationship, owing to the identification of this tell-tale sign. Because of the nature of the serial-killing game, the total number of murders may not be reduced, since the killer could simply move onto someone else, but the culture always benefits from a little shake-up here and there. If you should pass on this little fact, take note of which members of your circle declare an end to their bed-intensive relationships. Now you know who the killer is in your midst. If your first-aid kit isn't presently stocked, go ahead and leave a note for someone to get on that shit.