Dazed by days and days of daisies

Considering all that's happened, leaving the west gate unlocked was an enabling act, very possibly the enabling act, that made the rest of this week as unpleasant and unproductive as it has been. Even without the results of the investigation "suggesting", or, less kindly, "clearly showing on videotape" two people that look a lot like you and Lou inside the cages shortly before the first escapee was spotted downtown, there's a lot to answer for here. For leaving the gate unlocked (not to mention wide-open with chalk-drawn arrows marking the way out, lined with balloons and so forth,) there is a standard disciplinary response, which is a formal reprimand attached to your file, and for repeat offenders, an advisory review with the possibility of suspension and/or termination. This alone is quite serious and would have affected your professional future for some time to come.

However, the sum of your alleged behavior and the resulting clean-up operations made necessary were never imagined by the policy-makers of this facility, which is why we've had to turn you both over to the state authorities. It may be our lack of imagination that has put you in detention, rather than before a board of inquiry, but in view of the significant mischief the events of last Friday have precipitated, we feel that we no longer have the luxury of disciplinary discretion. As one would guess from considering the high number of escapees, this was a daunting task made no more excusable by the ease with which they were tracked down. It is only a minor comfort that so many chose to hide behind furniture rather than take to the wooded areas nearby, which would have prolonged the search and surely led to multiple tragedies. On balance, it is much easier to spot a fort made out of cushions than it is to hunt down a dug-in shelter using natural camouflage, though it is more expensive to replace the cushions if they are discovered to be soiled in any way. So far, we've been very lucky.

Simlarly, you may be able to get some clemency at sentencing since there was very little property damage, not that someone would credibly argue that a mob of half-dressed, mostly-toothless elderly folks had any serious capacity for wanton destruction. It will be difficult for anyone to claim that they require financial compensation for someone posing as the Vice-Prince of Westphalia taking a dump on their deck, regardless of what time of day it was and/or how special a child's fifth birthday party may or may not be to their overall development (Incidentally, those people own three dogs, so we're triple-certain to walk away from that one without spending a dime.) However, we are confident that the decision to end your employment at this facility rests on firm ground. Good luck in your future endeavors, and never, ever come near us again. Ever. For real. Never.