Why is it so warm? It's been ten minutes.

Anyone who tells you not to judge a book by its cover is trying to hide something. The elements a person deliberately portrays in their external appearance can often lead an observer to reasonable guesses on why this facade was chosen, and what inadequacies it is designed to disguise. Hence, it's indeed wise not to judge a book by its cover, but instead to regard the cover as a calculated deception which, even under the gentlest scrutiny, will be simple to decode. The following signs have been commonly observed and accurately identified within the margin of error:

--Man or woman more than 40 years old wearing a baseball cap backwards: Wants to portray a well-to-do person who eschews formal airs, projecting a patrician who is comfortable among plebeians because he is so "real" at heart. In reality, a deeply-closeted homosexual who would step on your throat if there was a chance to impress any 15-17 year old girls who may be watching. See also Church of Satan.

--Man wearing a baseball hat with an "NYPD" or "FDNY" logo: Wants to portray a callous jackass who, following the lionization of rescue workers during the 9/11 tragedy, is haplessly attempting to associate himself with "heroic" institutions in hopes of broadcasting his patriotism to anyone who might otherwise doubt his courage and/or worth in the Universe. In reality, an actual member of either the New York City Police or Fire Department who has been up to his eyeballs in easy ass for five years, and now he wants you to challenge him on "faking it" so that he can prove himself (usually by showing you his scars in public,) after which he will add you to the list of the facially-cumshot. You won't argue.

--Adult male black bear wearing a three-piece suit: Wants to portray a circus animal who, after years of cruel treatment, has finally outmaneuvered his captors and ventured out into the human world, where he uses his anthropomorphic training to amuse his way into the hearts of all the city-folk; a lurking possibility that he may turn dangerous and maul small, slow children exists, but is quickly dismissed when they see him roll on his back and play with that ball. In reality, the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, but He continues to be misunderstood by humans and the MSM, and thus fills His days dining for free at three-star restaurants and covertly removing portraits of Caucasian Jesus wherever He goes.

--Woman and man with matching (but not necessarily identical) polo shirts, khaki shorts and baseball hats: Want to portray a happy, professional couple, reasonably successful and secure enough in their individual identities that they'll happily advertise the extent to which their gnawingly narcissistic "romance" has played out. In reality, probably good people whose other clothes were all set on fire by their angst-ridden, medication-savvy pre-teen child, and didn't have time to stop at Monkey Ward's to pick up something that doesn't make them look like pretending, suburban dumbfucks. See also Church of Satan.

--Overweight man in jeans and vastly-oversized T-shirt featuring cartoon character(s): Wants to portray an average kind of guy who hasn't yet "grown up" and is prone to be pretty dang wacky if you get him going. In reality, a contracted employee of a federal intelligence-gathering agency who is, operating under strict orders, very interested in how pert and full your breasts have become over the last five months, and where they may go from here.

--Man or woman dressed in obviously "ethnic" dress from another country: Wants to portray a local person who is proud of their heritage (real or imagined) and wants others to know that he/she has an international perspective, and to that end is prepared to have their outfit mistaken for pajamas and/or military garb. In reality, exactly as presented, but recently farted and obviously making no attempt to conceal it.

The return of the aura

A: Is there something crawling around up there?

B: Yeah, probably.

A: (pause) So, are you going to go up and find out?

B: I can't imagine why I would.

A: Aren't you concerned? Curious, maybe? Wouldn't you like to creep around up in the rafters with some pointy weapon and visit a little lethal aggression on an anonymous pest-creature? It's OK to kill animals - They don't have a Jesus to punish you.

B: That's not funny. Why would you say that to a person who doesn't have any legs? You're a cruel bastard.

A: Well, I'm not the one who -

B: That's enough.

A: You don't ever let me talk.

B: I would try to listen more, but I'm completely middle-fingered out tonight. Try again tomorrow.

A: (pause) OK.

B: OK.

Placid, and yet there were no strangers nearby

With only moments to go before the authorities get that door open, I am compelled to reveal my grudging respect for the decision you three have just taken. I mean, Freddy, you came up with the idea, so credit for quick thinking does go to you, but Jay's got to be commended for giving such vocal, strong approval, and enabling a good plan can be considered just as valuable as daring to dream it up at all. Of course, we must recognize Jan's eagerness to the first off the block, which, in turn, committed the group to following through in the best spirit of "all for one, and one for all." In high-stress situations like this, hasty execution of a desperate course of action is the only path available, and for what it's worth, if I was a man that'd busted a door down and captured a roomful of people, I would certainly be put off to discover that several of them had loaded their trousers with fresh crap right before I came in. I might not be so shocked that I'd let you escape, but I'd say that your success will depend on how delicate the sensibilities of state troopers are in this neck of the woods. Honestly, that's even money.

Incidentally, in case this is the stupidest idea ever, I do intend to keep my pants clean. You probably don't know this, but I have some traumatic experiences with diaper rash that I don't intend to relive. Either way, I wish you the best of luck; up till now, it's been great.