Why is it so warm? It's been ten minutes.

Anyone who tells you not to judge a book by its cover is trying to hide something. The elements a person deliberately portrays in their external appearance can often lead an observer to reasonable guesses on why this facade was chosen, and what inadequacies it is designed to disguise. Hence, it's indeed wise not to judge a book by its cover, but instead to regard the cover as a calculated deception which, even under the gentlest scrutiny, will be simple to decode. The following signs have been commonly observed and accurately identified within the margin of error:

--Man or woman more than 40 years old wearing a baseball cap backwards: Wants to portray a well-to-do person who eschews formal airs, projecting a patrician who is comfortable among plebeians because he is so "real" at heart. In reality, a deeply-closeted homosexual who would step on your throat if there was a chance to impress any 15-17 year old girls who may be watching. See also Church of Satan.

--Man wearing a baseball hat with an "NYPD" or "FDNY" logo: Wants to portray a callous jackass who, following the lionization of rescue workers during the 9/11 tragedy, is haplessly attempting to associate himself with "heroic" institutions in hopes of broadcasting his patriotism to anyone who might otherwise doubt his courage and/or worth in the Universe. In reality, an actual member of either the New York City Police or Fire Department who has been up to his eyeballs in easy ass for five years, and now he wants you to challenge him on "faking it" so that he can prove himself (usually by showing you his scars in public,) after which he will add you to the list of the facially-cumshot. You won't argue.

--Adult male black bear wearing a three-piece suit: Wants to portray a circus animal who, after years of cruel treatment, has finally outmaneuvered his captors and ventured out into the human world, where he uses his anthropomorphic training to amuse his way into the hearts of all the city-folk; a lurking possibility that he may turn dangerous and maul small, slow children exists, but is quickly dismissed when they see him roll on his back and play with that ball. In reality, the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, but He continues to be misunderstood by humans and the MSM, and thus fills His days dining for free at three-star restaurants and covertly removing portraits of Caucasian Jesus wherever He goes.

--Woman and man with matching (but not necessarily identical) polo shirts, khaki shorts and baseball hats: Want to portray a happy, professional couple, reasonably successful and secure enough in their individual identities that they'll happily advertise the extent to which their gnawingly narcissistic "romance" has played out. In reality, probably good people whose other clothes were all set on fire by their angst-ridden, medication-savvy pre-teen child, and didn't have time to stop at Monkey Ward's to pick up something that doesn't make them look like pretending, suburban dumbfucks. See also Church of Satan.

--Overweight man in jeans and vastly-oversized T-shirt featuring cartoon character(s): Wants to portray an average kind of guy who hasn't yet "grown up" and is prone to be pretty dang wacky if you get him going. In reality, a contracted employee of a federal intelligence-gathering agency who is, operating under strict orders, very interested in how pert and full your breasts have become over the last five months, and where they may go from here.

--Man or woman dressed in obviously "ethnic" dress from another country: Wants to portray a local person who is proud of their heritage (real or imagined) and wants others to know that he/she has an international perspective, and to that end is prepared to have their outfit mistaken for pajamas and/or military garb. In reality, exactly as presented, but recently farted and obviously making no attempt to conceal it.