Douse it with a pail-full

Seven small people went wandering in the city center, ignoring the signs and refusing to heed advice. They traveled in two columns, side-by-side, and they pressed straight through other groups rather than going around. At a distance, they looked menacing, and as they got closer, they appeared comical and harmless, until they were within feet of you, and by then they were utterly frightening. But by then your time was up, and they either shoved you off the path or stamped right over your fallen body. Luckily, they wore small shoes, and only left small bruises.

Down by the river, a trio of black bears took afternoon tea, each insisting that he was the rebirth of Jesus Christ on Earth, and that the others were a pair of poseurs. A nearby hot-dog vendor laughed quietly through his nose, since he understood that supernatural saviors always give themselves away through their fondness for pickle relish, and all three of the bears had instead requested extra mustard and extra napkins. An old woman passing by asked the time, and the bears pretended not to understand English. The old woman approached the largest of the group without fear, reached out and tapped on his wristwatch, and repeated her query in Spanish, since you never know anymore. Enraged, the bear responded by taking off the watch, walking over to the hot-dog vendor, and dropping it into the pickle relish. The old woman straightened her spine, went over to the pan of relish and stuck her face right in it, sucking down every stray bit of pickle, and the watch itself. Almost instantly, she hunched over and shat out a full-size grandfather clock, which struck 2:30 p.m. and chimed out the first half of Auld Lang Syne. Seeing this, the bears fell off their chairs and laid on their backs, giggling and kicking their legs in the air. The hot dog vendor wordlessly unlocked the brakes on his cart and moved a little further down the promenade, since he could see where this was heading.

Two blocks away, two police officers joined two more police officers and began discussing the disgusting things they would do in shopping mall restrooms if someone dared them, and it wasn't long before a juggling exhibition broke out. A pair of men in expensive ties walked past and one remarked loudly that juggling was invented by Communists, whom he had found to be very difficult companions since they refuse to believe in nipples. The officers stopped juggling suddenly and began feeling around inside each other's shirts, ending the inspection with relieved sighs and pats on the back all around. The passing men turned around and joined the police in their moment of relief, and during a new conversation, one of the officers mentioned that he'd read an article claiming that you should cover your religions in lipstick before heading down to the club. The cleverest of the group smacked himself on the head, and explained the mix-up slowly, with animated gestures, until each man understood what had taken place. This should have ended the impromptu meeting on a high note, and a round of handshakes seemed to indicate that all would end well. Nevertheless, the police concluded by delivering a savage beating, which happens least on Tuesdays, but not never on Tuesdays.

None of these groups met on that day because they had been given bad directions. It turns out that Fourth Street doesn't run all the way down to the river. Small mistakes like this keep many of us safe - for the moment.